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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28422816">Waffles or Pancakes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirl_Phia3/pseuds/spreadmywings'>spreadmywings (Fangirl_Phia3)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(mentions of blood but nothing graphic), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Overworking, Pining, Unrequited Love, Yang Jeongin | I.N is Whipped, Yang Jeongin | I.N-centric, my favorite tag lol, other idol cameos, partially, so much pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:55:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,222</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28422816</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirl_Phia3/pseuds/spreadmywings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Waffles or pancakes?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Jeongin gives Hyunjin a strange look.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Well, you know, how would you like to hold Seungmin’s hand?” Hyunjin brings his fingers together on top of the table, elegant and slender.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Not for the first time, Jeongin idly wonders what it would be like to hold Hyunjin’s hands like that and have his own engulfed in warm palms.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Hyunjin interrupts his thoughts as he laces his fingers, “Like this. Waffles. Or like this.” He places his palms together and curls his long fingers around the backs of his hands. “Pancakes.”</i>
</p><p>OR</p><p>In which Hyunjin helps Jeongin with his nearly nonexistent love life, not realizing he should take his own advice. Meanwhile, Jeongin is just trying to come to terms with who he should be using Hyunjin’s advice with.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Change</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello, Welcome ^-^</p><p>This story is very different from what I've written and posted before. I wanted to try different writing styles and explore different concepts and thus this baby fic was born lol. The title is inspired from <i>Cloak &amp; Dagger</i> for those who are curious.<br/> </p><p>There are some things to note before reading that should hopefully clear up some logistics:</p><p><b>Concerning the Korean School System</b><br/>The Korean education system is split into 2 semesters. The 1st semester begins in March and ends in mid-July and the 2nd semester begins towards the end of August or early September, depending on the school or university, and ends in mid-February.</p><p><b>Concerning Line Breaks</b><br/>♫♪ = non-linear shifting between university times and present times (post-grad/working)<br/>♪ = time skip within university or time skip within the present (post-graduation)</p><p>[Special thanks to @UpsideofCrazy for helping me make sure this story made logistical sense. You're awesome❤️]</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>“With you, I’m alive…Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>―Sad Song (We the Kings ft. Elena Coats)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>At age thirteen, Jeongin learns that promises are rarely kept, that people change.</p><p>As a birthday surprise, he and his mother visit his father at his office only to find him with another woman in a compromising position. His mother throws divorce papers in his father’s face the next day, takes Jeongin and his little brother and moves out of the house they had shared for over two decades.</p><p>They still stay in Busan but in a vastly different part. It’s toughest for Jeongin’s older brother who comes home on one of the rare breaks he receives from his military service and finds his family scattered, trying his best to help Jeongin and his little brother as much as he can in his own way. His mother supports the two of them with her office job and they’re not financially troubled but Jeongin learns to be frugal pretty quickly.</p><p>He tries his hardest with his studies. In Jeongin’s last year of high school, he barely gets four hours of sleep a night as he crams for his college entrance exams, wanting to lessen the financial burden of college as much as he can from his mother’s shoulders. Jeongin makes it into Kyung Hee University in Seoul and change is prevalent in every aspect of his life. He graduates from university and his life changes once again.</p><p>He’s not really sure when it happened but somehow in the mess that was Jeongin’s life, Hyunjin had barged in and remained a constant.</p><p>The thing about life though is that nothing is constant forever. Not the stars, not the technology and definitely not the people.</p><p>At age twenty three, Jeongin learns that while change can hurt, it isn’t always a bad thing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“So waffles or pancakes?”</p><p>Jeongin gives Hyunjin a strange look. They’re seated at some hole in the wall diner Hyunjin had insisted on trying, having consistently bugged Jeongin about the place for the past week before he finally caved and agreed to come.</p><p>“We already ordered,” Jeongin replies, unwrapping his utensils and placing them to the side. “Besides, I thought you wanted to come here for their super special, super-hot summer barbecue ribs.”</p><p>Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “As much as I love the whole breakfast for dinner concept, I’m not talking about the food,” he says like it should have been obvious. “I’m talking about your date tomorrow. You know, with that guy from work?”</p><p>“Seungmin?” Jeongin confirms with raised eyebrows. He can feel his lips curving into a small smile.</p><p>Hyunjin nods and something unreadable flickers over his features before it disappears just as quickly. “Yeah, him. This is, like, your fifth date and you two still haven’t held hands.” At this, Hyunjin shakes his head in mock disapproval.</p><p>After Jeongin graduated from university five months ago, he’d started working at a small consulting firm where he was placed into the same team as Seungmin who had been with the company for a year. Seungmin had shown Jeongin the ropes, mentoring him in the absence of a more formal training program, and if Jeongin was honest, was his only real friend from work.</p><p>At first, if he came across a problem that stumped him or sought a more experienced eye on analyzing a client’s financial investments, he would turn to Seungmin for help. However, after a few weeks of only conversing about work or small talk over break, Seungmin had asked Jeongin if he wanted to meet up outside of the office.</p><p>They ended up scheduling a casual weekend outing that Seungmin took the reins to plan. Just a simple dinner before singing half a Saturday night away in a stuffy karaoke booth. Jeongin was maybe a little in love with the ease in which Seungmin could switch between smooth baritones and breathy falsettos.</p><p>When they had parted ways that night, throats sore from belting lyrics and attempting rap verses, Jeongin had felt pleasantly warm. But he still wasn’t certain if the feeling came from genuinely connecting with another person his age after graduation or if it meant something more.</p><p>Somehow, Saturday nights became their thing. Seungmin and Jeongin had now met up weekly for over two months. Jeongin’s not sure why Hyunjin keeps insisting it’s more than platonic when the furthest they had gone were quick sideways hugs that friends gave each other all the time.</p><p>Jeongin explains all of this (again) to Hyunjin. “So really, it’s not a date.”</p><p>“Jisung and I don’t take selfies and post them on Instagram when we hang out,” Hyunjin says with an amused expression. “You and Seungmin are literally the definition of a cute wholesome couple. Now if you two would stop being so oblivious and just call it a <em>date</em>—”</p><p>Jeongin’s mind backtracks. “You follow Seungmin on Instagram?” When Hyunjin nods, Jeongin groans as he remembers Seungmin’s love for photography and his public Instagram profile. “Please tell me you didn’t background check him too.”</p><p>Hyunjin shrugs noncommittally. “I have to make sure he’s worthy enough to be with my best friend.”</p><p>“For the last time, it’s not a date, hyung.” Jeongin curses his face for heating up. Before Hyunjin can open his mouth to gleefully point out his reddening ears, Jeongin raises his voice, “I don’t see how this has anything to do with waffles or pancakes.”</p><p>“Well, you know, how would you like to hold Seungmin’s hand?” Hyunjin brings his fingers together on top of the table, elegant and slender. Not for the first time, Jeongin idly wonders what it would be like to hold Hyunjin’s hands <em>like that </em>and have his own engulfed in warm palms. Hyunjin interrupts his thoughts as he laces his fingers, “Like this. Waffles. Or like this.” He places his palms together and curls his long fingers around the backs of his hands. “Pancakes.”</p><p>Jeongin opens his mouth to argue but their waiter comes back with their food followed by several plates and bowls. The conversation turns to other topics as they dig in, sharing bits and pieces of their respective dishes with one another, but Jeongin can’t shake the weird feeling in his chest as Hyunjin’s words echo in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin first meets Hyunjin in his second semester at university.</p><p>It’s the first day back from summer break and Jeongin has completely underestimated how quickly he can cross the huge campus in the passing period from his statistics course to his managerial finance class.</p><p>He makes it two minutes after the clock turns the new hour, cursing the spacious university campus, and tries to discreetly hide his panting while shuffling into a seat near the back of the lecture hall, next to a boy with raven hair who shoots him a cordial smile. Jeongin spends the next minute getting settled as quietly as possible with his tablet and stylus, managing to only bruise his kneecaps once on the tiny pullout desk. Jeongin is grateful the course is a core business requirement. While the class size is large enough to mask his tardiness, it isn’t large enough to be overwhelming like some of the introductory classes he’d suffered through.</p><p>Professor Jeon is fiddling with the projector as she goes through the syllabus, emphasizing the midterm schedule and how she has a no make-up policy.</p><p>Syllabus days are supposed to be slower but Professor Jeon jumps right into the first chapter and by the end of the midday class, Jeongin can feel a headache building behind his eyes. He packs sluggishly.</p><p>“You alright there?”</p><p>Jeongin startles, forgetting he had sat next to someone and was in fact, not alone in the back corner. The boy has a heart-shaped face, thick lips and strong brows. Jeongin’s heart rate picks up as he observes the boy’s striking features, currently filled with concern. Miraculously, he manages not to stutter. “Yeah,” Jeongin sighs with a sheepish smile which the other boy returns kindly. “My mind’s still on break and uh, having back to back two-hour lectures probably wasn’t a smart move.”</p><p>The other boy winces sympathetically before introducing himself with a tentative but genuine smile. “I’m Hwang Hyunjin. I’m a sophomore studying finance with a minor in criminology. You are?”</p><p>“Yang Jeongin. I’m studying finance too but combining it with a psychology degree.” Jeongin swings his backpack around and loops his left arm through the other strap. “Clearly I’m still a clueless freshman because I didn’t realize how many math and stats courses I’d need to take for both degrees. Otherwise, I would’ve chosen something else.”</p><p>Hyunjin laughs and it’s higher-pitched than Jeongin would have expected. The sweet sound eases the lingering awkwardness of first meetings and Jeongin finds the tension in his shoulders fading.</p><p>“If one day in my future career I make use of partial derivatives, I’ll make sure to donate my income to the math department,” Hyunjin says with a resigned nod. “Until then, I’ll make sure the money I have is spent wisely.” They file out of the lecture hall and Hyunjin looks over at Jeongin. “If you’re free, want to grab lunch with me?”</p><p>“Not sure if using our meal plan on overpriced stale sandwiches is a wise way of spending—” the older boy laughs at Jeongin’s dry words and he can’t help but feel a little proud, “But I guess the pain of being ripped off won’t be so bad when I have good company.”</p><p>“Well there’s this little café a block from campus that has way better sandwiches than the food courts and dining halls if you’d be okay spending money directly out of your pocket.” Hyunjin holds the door of the business building open for Jeongin and they walk out together.</p><p>He shouldn’t. Jeongin’s trying to budget his personal expenditures better this semester, not wanting to ask for more money from his mother when she’s in-between jobs, but Hyunjin looks at him so hopefully and he can see the little beauty mark under the older boy’s eyelashes and Jeongin thinks, <em>why the hell not? </em>Spending time with a possible new friend would still be a good use of his personal finances.</p><p>When he nods, Hyunjin’s whole face lights up.</p><p>Jeongin smiles as Hyunjin talks about the cute cake pops the café offers on discount for students. Maybe freshman year wouldn’t be so unbearable after all.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>With Hyunjin came late-night, sleep deprived conversations after their brains were fried from hours of cramming. With Hyunjin came shared laughs, back hugs and good memories alongside the frustrated tears, the academic struggles and the social expectations. With Hyunjin came someone to confide in with Jeongin’s insecurities, and he for Hyunjin’s. With Hyunjin came Changbin, Minho and by extension his boyfriend Chan who had already graduated, as well as Jisung and Felix from Jeongin’s composition class, a tight-knit social group, who all but adopted Jeongin much to Hyunjin’s delight (and Jeongin’s too but he would never admit that out loud.)</p><p>With Hyunjin came a comforting constancy and a genuine support system.</p><p>With Hyunjin…came a whirlwind of change too.</p><p>After they meet, Hyunjin seamlessly integrates himself into every aspect of Jeongin’s life. They study together, walk to their business classes as one, watch movies and dramas in each other’s company, try new restaurants, share memes and music and sometimes clothes as well – they even disclose their life-long dreams to one another late one night after Hyunjin attempts a tequila cocktail drink which, both of them being lightweights, had them giggling after one bottle.</p><p>Jeongin swears he spends more time in Hyunjin’s off-campus studio than his own dorm; more often than not, though usually accidental, Jeongin spends the night at the older boy’s place.</p><p>What he wasn’t counting on was the fact that Hyunjin would integrate himself into Jeongin’s romantic life. Or rather, his lackluster one that consisted of one-sided pining and distant admiration and infatuation.</p><p>So he’s surprised when Hyunjin takes an acute interest in Jeongin’s current “crush” of two months – his longest by far if he was being honest though he wouldn’t exactly classify the admiration he felt as romantic – after Jeongin had accidentally let slip a name and the fact they would be meeting up, to the point that…</p><p>“You background checked him?!”</p><p>“Not exactly. I just examined his financial situation and looked through his social media profiles to check his online presence and to make sure he’s not in any gangs or cults or anything,” Hyunjin explains, not sounding the least bit apologetic. “You’d be surprised how much of a digital footprint your Twitter account leaves even if you don’t post.”</p><p>Jeongin just stares. “I thought you were studying to become a financial analyst? Not a private investigator.”</p><p>“Minoring in criminology, remember? I have to hone my investigative and criminal profiling skills. Besides, I also have to make sure this Choi Beomgyu isn’t some shady drug dealer.” Hyunjin smiles, disarmingly innocent with his crescent eyes and dimples. “Don’t worry, he’s clean! I approve.”</p><p>Jeongin face palms.</p><p>Beomgyu is someone he’d connected with through Taehyun, a friend and project partner from his research class towards the start of sophomore year. They had been conducting consumer research where Taehyun decided to share the data collection surveys with everyone in his social circle scattered across multiple universities, both domestically and internationally.</p><p>Initially, Jeongin and Beomgyu mostly texted and talked about academics but then both boys had discovered shared interests in the form of music and movies and things spiraled from there. Beomgyu is a charming guy and despite the often grainy quality of their video calls that started a few weeks into their conversing, his eyes would light up and appear even rounder on the screen when he spoke of his passions. Jeongin can safely say that objectively, Beomgyu is really cute and someday, the boy will make someone really happy. He respects Beomgyu’s fearlessness to pursue what he wants. A good person with a good heart and someone Jeongin aspires to be, personified into a bubbly likeable boy.</p><p>(Okay so maybe despite Jeongin valuing their friendship first and foremost, he harbored a small crush too.)</p><p>Beomgyu had called one evening saying he was visiting Taehyun and several other friends up in Seoul for the four-day weekend.</p><p>“Do you want to meet up?” Beomgyu’s eyes were hopeful but tentative through the screen.</p><p>Jeongin had readily agreed. “Where will you be staying?”</p><p>“Probably crashing at Taehyun’s so that should make coordinating something easier!”</p><p>After catching up a bit, they eventually agreed to grab dinner at the teriyaki place a few blocks away from Jeongin’s dorm.</p><p>Before the call ended, Beomgyu brought the phone closer to his face, an excited grin on his face and all but screamed into the speaker. “It’s a date!”</p><p>Which leads Jeongin to his current situation: cramming his homework on a Thursday night at Hyunjin’s studio where the older boy had apparently just finished conducting a background check on Beomgyu and knew half his internet history.</p><p>“I don’t need your approval,” Jeongin grumbles.</p><p>But despite his outwardly exasperated demeanor, he can’t help the tiny smile that quirks his lips. As much as he acts like Hyunjin is a nuisance, Jeongin appreciates how the older boy looks out for him at all times even if sometimes the methods could be a bit questionable and overprotective.</p><p>Hyunjin simply brushes his annoyance aside and narrows his eyes, scanning Jeongin’s body and scrutinizing his clothes. “Now for your outfit…”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Beomgyu ends up being his first kiss. They go on a couple of dates the times Beomgyu happens to be visiting Seoul but it never goes beyond a quick peck on the lips. Their dynamic is friendly but never intimate.</p><p>It’s Jeongin’s idea to break up and Beomgyu agrees with an understanding (and if Jeongin isn’t mistaken, slightly relieved) smile. They remain good friends, keeping in close contact. Things don’t become awkward; in fact, Jeongin thinks they become closer as a result. A few weeks after they break up, Beomgyu tells Jeongin about a cute boy he’d met in his sociology class, a year younger than them. Someone named Hueningkai, an international student.</p><p>Jeongin only feels a bubble of happiness for his friend, teasing him relentlessly until after a month of Beomgyu spamming his inbox with updates on how adorable Hueningkai is, Jeongin receives a series of exclamation points followed by a message confirming they’re dating.</p><p><em>Beomgyu (</em><em>≧</em><em>◡</em><em>≦</em><em>):</em> <em>i finally asked him out lol thanks for putting up with my angst</em></p><p>
  <em>You: you’re an idiot</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: but i’m happy for you, Beomgyu</em>
</p><p>And Jeongin means it with his heart. He’s truly happy for his friend.</p><p>But even as Jeongin’s life, more or less, continues on as normal – drowning under homework, winging group projects, getting together with friends, being single – there’s an ache deep within him that he can’t shake.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin doesn’t mean to…but the conversation with Hyunjin at the barbecue diner from the night before circles at the forefront of his mind. That, coupled with the gentle smile on Seungmin’s face as he approaches, temporarily short-circuits his brain to mouth filter. Before he’s processed the words in his mind, Jeongin blurts out, “Is this a date?”</p><p>Seungmin tilts his head a little and looks over Jeongin’s shoulder at the bustling dumpling restaurant, his eyes slightly guarded. Jeongin shuffles his feet when Seungmin glances at him, hesitating. “I mean, do you want it to be?”</p><p>The words come out small and uncertain but Jeongin realizes the older is allowing him to decide if they want to be something more. Jeongin feels the excited nerves in his stomach double, his heart warm at Seungmin’s consideration.</p><p>He carefully reaches forward to take Seungmin’s hand, their palms brushing. “I’d like to try.”</p><p>The puppy-like grin that lights up Seungmin’s face is contagious and Jeongin relaxes as the tension of the moment shatters.</p><p>Seungmin gives him a soft hug at the end of the night, an even softer smile painting his lips. He walks Jeongin to his apartment, palm flat against Jeongin’s as they walk side by side, before he calls a Lyft to take himself home.</p><p>Jeongin is still buzzing with the kind of restless energy he now associates with having a crush. But there’s a weird tingling in his chest that grips at his heart when he finally collapses in a heap on his bed, hair dripping wet from his shower. It ghosts over his body and leaves him feeling uneasy. Jeongin swipes his phone from where he’d placed it on his nightstand and replies to several messages before he opens up his conversation thread with Hyunjin.</p><p>He doesn’t think too much of it when he sees there aren’t any new messages from the older. Hyunjin texts a lot, usually short messages, random memes or updates about his day or his thoughts or his shows.</p><p>
  <em>You: pancakes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: seungmin is a pancakes guy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: i can’t believe i’m saying this but you were right</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: don’t count on those words ever being repeated</em>
</p><p>It’s only after Jeongin sends the last text that he realizes it’s half past midnight. The adrenaline from earlier continues to hum in his chest but it’s muted with exhaustion and something else as Jeongin shifts under his blankets. He’s half-asleep, scrolling mindlessly through his social media feeds when his phone vibrates at the same time his low-battery notification blinks into existence.</p><p>Jeongin scrambles out of bed and searches his desk for a solid five minutes to find his charger before he accidentally steps on the cord, having left it connected to the outlet. As he plugs his phone in, he opens his notifications again and sees a one-word message from Hyunjin.</p><p><em>Hyunjinnie (</em> <em>◠</em> <em>︿</em> <em>◠</em> <em>✿</em> <em>): Congrats.</em></p><p>Jeongin squints at the message, an unpleasant churning in his stomach at the lack of dramatics and emoticons but especially the proper grammar. He sets his phone down and pulls the blankets up to his chin.</p><p>Eventually, after Jeongin stares at his ceiling for long enough that time feels like an abstract concept does he put a tentative label to the uncomfortable tightness in his chest. The metaphysical ache is back in his bones.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>That nameless pain within him doesn’t go away for the rest of his time at university. Jeongin feels the ache the most when Hyunjin starts dating another junior named Bomin, seemingly out of nowhere, and starts bringing him to their shared social group.</p><p>Every time Jeongin sees the two of them together, his heart thuds heavily and the ache digs a little deeper into his bones.</p><p>He cancels on his friends when he knows Hyunjin is bringing Bomin and starts seeing Hyunjin less and less, even as they share several classes. Their once constant messaging and conversations across social media platforms tapers out and Jeongin isn’t sure whose fault it is.</p><p>Maybe it started when Hyunjin no longer spent much time with the rest of their shared social circle. Maybe it started when Jeongin began pulling away physically but doubled his efforts virtually, in vain, to try and make up for his actions.</p><p>(Looking back, Jeongin thinks that perhaps it was on both of them.)</p><p>Eventually, Jeongin stops trying. He passes the second semester of his sophomore year with flying colors and attends Changbin’s graduation but the smiles he shares with Minho, Chan, Jisung and Felix in the cold bleachers still feel empty without a certain someone there with them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>On Fridays, Jeongin and Hyunjin continue to meet up, a new restaurant each time just like they’ve been doing since Jeongin’s senior year at university. They catch each other up about their weeks – something both of them prefer doing in person.</p><p>But while Hyunjin still laughs at the dumbest things and talks with his whole body, Jeongin notices a certain guarded rigidness in the way the older smiles and in the hesitation in which he touches Jeongin when he would normally throw an arm around his shoulders or lean against him on public transportation.</p><p>Jeongin attributes it to the darkening circles under Hyunjin’s pretty eyes. He knows the firm Hyunjin works at just received a huge expansion opportunity that requires a lot more time from its employees. Hyunjin, being someone who throws his all into everything he puts his mind to, would of course work twice as hard as all of his coworkers. Yet, Jeongin knows in his gut that work isn’t the only factor contributing to Hyunjin’s dampened brightness and slower smiles. It hurts Jeongin more than it should that Hyunjin no longer finds the same happiness, the same solace, with him.</p><p>He doesn’t get much time to dwell on it though. His weekdays become busier as well when half of his and Seungmin’s project team are diverted to work on a different project instead. Seungmin, despite working the hardest as the team lead and often compensating for unfinished work over the weekends, still manages to block out several hours on Saturdays to spend with Jeongin.</p><p>
  <em>You: ugh i’m so dead</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: can’t wait for this week to be over</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Seungmin (ᵔᴥᵔ): There’s this hot pot place that has great reviews. I’ll send you the address. Meet at the usual time on Saturday?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: !!! yES lol</em>
</p><p>The initial novelty and excitement of dating fades pretty quickly. Relationships require a lot of effort, platonic or romantic. Nearly every time it’s Seungmin who reaches out with a time and place for their dates. Jeongin knows the older doesn’t mind coordinating but he still feels a little bad, a little inadequate.</p><p>One night after a full meal and talking for hours after, Jeongin feels brave enough to lean up and peck Seungmin on the lips when they’re in front of his apartment. He expects to feel the thrill of kissing a crush, his heart rate speeding up, his stomach twisting with warmth.</p><p>He expects something a little different.</p><p>When Jeongin doesn’t feel anything more than the usual familiarity and amiable comfort that comes with Seungmin, he writes it off as the chasteness of the kiss.</p><p>His phone vibrates uncomfortably in his back pocket, shattering the quiet of their surroundings. Jeongin pulls the device out and sees a selfie Hyunjin had taken of the both of them on his graduation day, Hyunjin’s caller id flashing across the screen.</p><p>Seungmin laughs, quiet and gentle, before he pulls Jeongin closer and presses his lips to his forehead. A lingering kiss. Seungmin steps back and something flashes across his expression – slowly enough for Jeongin to see the slight furrow in his brow but far too quickly for Jeongin to discern. The older waves goodbye as Jeongin keys himself into his apartment complex and makes his way to the elevator, confusion and uncertainty swirling in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The first time he and Seungmin kiss for real, Seungmin is the one who initiates it inside Jeongin’s room. They’ve been dating for about two months and it should be a long time coming but Jeongin is still surprised. Seungmin’s lips are soft and the kiss is nice but the swirling of thoughts in Jeongin’s mind amplifies into a cacophony and he pulls away first. His heart is racing but there’s nothing good about the feeling.</p><p>The chaos in Jeongin’s mind quiets down to one ironic thought. <em>My heart is racing but it’s miles away, in someone else’s hands.</em></p><p>Seungmin has a watery smile on his face when Jeongin finally brings himself to look the older in the eye.</p><p>“I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispers into the space between them. In that moment, Jeongin isn’t sure what exactly he’s sorry for. Sorry for realizing that he loves someone else? Sorry for leading the older on? Sorry for not being the one for Seungmin? Sorry for never being good enough?</p><p>Seungmin reaches up with a careful hand, still so tender and completely undeserving, to brush away Jeongin’s fringe. “Don’t be. We can’t control who we fall for.”</p><p>Maybe it’s the kind words after the painfully belated realization and the guilt that’s strangling his lungs but Jeongin chokes on a sob and the dam bursts. It’s not fair for Seungmin and honestly, Jeongin thinks he might have felt better if the older had responded in anger since it’s the least he should deserve, but Seungmin is too understanding. He feels Seungmin’s arms encircle him and pull him close as he shakes.</p><p>Jeongin feels Seungmin swallow a few times after his tears have dried. “Just say it, Seungmin,” he mumbles.</p><p>There’s a beat of silence and Seungmin’s hand rubbing warmth down Jeongin’s spine pauses. “Hyunjin?”</p><p>Jeongin blinks hard and then pulls back to stare at Seungmin in what must be open-shock.</p><p>Seungmin ducks his head a little, arms dropping back down to his sides. “I suspected. And then that night outside your apartment complex and your eyes lit up when Hyunjin called, a different light than when you kissed me or I kissed you...I could never put that vibrancy in your eyes.” A hint of sadness bleeds into his voice as Seungmin looks up again. “You talk about him a lot, you know?”</p><p>“I’m really sorry.” The words come out hoarse. “You-you should hate me, I’ll understand if you never want anything to do with me again.”</p><p>“I think that would make both of us pretty miserable,” Seungmin replies slowly. “I just want you to be happy and I really hope you and Hyunjin can be happy together.”</p><p>It’s too much to ask for but Jeongin still tries. “We can still be friends, right? You won’t leave?” He hates how his voice trembles. “You’re someone I care a lot about too…just not in the same way.”</p><p>Seungmin’s lips curl up into a smile tinged with heartache but his eyes are hopeful. “I still love you. It’ll take some time before—” Seungmin shrugs vaguely and Jeongin completes the sentence in his mind. <em>It’ll take some time before it stops hurting. </em>“But I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, Jeongin-ah. I won’t leave as long as you still want me to be a part of your life.”</p><p>Jeongin smiles despite the heavy thudding of his heart. Nothing is okay really – he has so much to figure out but he allows himself to swim in Seungmin’s reassuring words and his warm voice for a moment more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin stares at the message he’s typed out. Before he can second guess himself, he taps send and throws his phone to the other end of his desk.</p><p>Barely a minute goes by before his phone vibrates. He sits up slowly and reaches over to flip the device, eyes scanning the text from Felix.</p><p>
  <em>Lix (^-^): ooh Jeongin has a life outside of work?</em>
</p><p>Jeongin bites his lips, wondering if he made a mistake reaching out to Felix for advice considering how long it took for him and Changbin to finally get their shit together and start dating. But then his phone vibrates again with a new message.</p><p>
  <em>Lix (^-^): can you call right now?</em>
</p><p>For all his teasing, Felix knows when to be serious and being the sweetheart he is, never hesitates to prioritize others. Jeongin lets out a small breath, the second text quieting some of his nerves. He feels a little bad for worrying the older enough for Felix to ask to call immediately but it’s not like he has anyone else to turn to for his current…predicament.</p><p>Besides, it had been a while since he’d spoken with Felix or Changbin. Maybe the three of them could catch up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jeongin actually meets Felix before he meets Hyunjin. They’re not particularly close yet, simply taking the same composition class as an elective alongside Jisung and only occasionally talking outside of class. While Jeongin half-asses his way through the readings and papers, Felix puts clear thought and effort into each of his sentences.</p><p>This translates into his words too. Felix is earnest and well-spoken. For a time, Jeongin thinks he could like Felix as more than a friend.</p><p>But then he sees the way Felix’s eyes soften, the way his lips curl wistfully whenever he speaks with Jisung and Jeongin about an upperclassman named Seo Changbin. Each time, Jisung rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance, and tells Jeongin this had been going on for nearly a year.</p><p>Jeongin laughs and doesn’t allow whatever romantic feelings that might have been developing to manifest. He and Felix become fast friends after Hyunjin introduces them. Jeongin finds himself turning to Felix for advice and encouragement and finds Felix turning to him for support too.</p><p>They become close quickly enough that Hyunjin assumes their dynamic is anything but platonic.</p><p>It’s around three in the morning on a Friday towards the end of Jeongin’s freshman year. Hyunjin and Jeongin are both sleep deprived and with finals coming up, it’s probably not the smartest idea to binge movies at Hyunjin’s place instead of studying or sleeping but Minho and Chan are busy with each other, Felix and Jisung are finishing a semester long project for engineering and Changbin is at home for a family matter.</p><p>They’re partway through an animated feature film and even though it’s Jeongin’s first time watching it and the animation is breathtaking, he can feel his eyelids drooping.</p><p>“Hey, Jeonginnie.”</p><p>Jeongin hums, forcefully blinking his eyes open and sitting up a little. He glances over at Hyunjin who looks far too awake for the middle of the night. His features are basked in technicolor and Jeongin can only see his side profile but in that short moment, the only coherent thought in his mind is that Hyunjin is the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.</p><p>Hyunjin sighs, picking at a thread on the blanket thrown haphazardly around their frames to stave off the cold. “I don’t know how to phrase this.” He glances up at Jeongin then and his eyes are cautious. “You know I’ll support you no matter what, right?”</p><p>He stares at the older boy in confusion. Jeongin knows he isn’t great at talking things through and is always slow to open up about his personal struggles and insecurities but Hyunjin had helped him be more comfortable with that. He’s always the first person Jeongin turns to.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Jeongin mumbles, leaning against the back of the sofa again. It’s sweet of Hyunjin to say but he’s admittedly confused.</p><p>“You can like and love whoever you choose to,” Hyunjin says slowly, his voice dropping to a soft baritone. “You don’t have to be afraid of being honest with me.”</p><p>Jeongin’s mind churns sluggishly at the words but after a quiet moment, he’s still confused as to where the warm sentiment, albeit sweet and welcome, is coming from. “Thank you, hyung. It means a lot.” He’s not sure what else to respond with.</p><p>Hyunjin makes eye contact with him for an intense second before his eyes flicker back up at the screen, the movie continuing on. “You know you can talk to me about your crush on Felix.”</p><p>What.</p><p>Jeongin blinks and then blinks again before he lets out a startled laugh. “I don’t like Felix in that way. He’s cute and he’s a good guy but we’re really just friends.” At this, Hyunjin looks at him again. “Besides, he and Changbin are so in love, it’s almost disgustingly perfect. I don’t understand how they’re still dancing around each other.”</p><p>Hyunjin rubs the back of his neck sheepishly before he giggles and the sound rings in Jeongin’s ears, warmth seeping into his skin. “Ah, I guess I read things wrong.”</p><p>For some reason, Jeongin has half a mind to correct the older boy that technically, he wasn’t wrong at first. Instead, he shifts closer to Hyunjin and places a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for the support though, really,” he finds himself murmuring. “I don’t like limiting myself to a label society deems fit but I’d say I prefer guys over girls.”</p><p>Following the quiet gratitude, Hyunjin places an arm around Jeongin’s smaller frame and pulls him closer. Jeongin sighs contentedly at the older boy’s body heat.</p><p>Jeongin is drifting off, head against Hyunjin’s shoulder and feeling more comfortable than he has in a long while when Hyunjin murmurs, “I guess I’d say the same too.” Something light and soft and warm brushes against Jeongin’s forehead. “Thank you.”</p><p>He isn’t sure why Hyunjin thanks him too but Jeongin is asleep before his mind can fixate on it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Felix picks up on the second ring and for a moment, Jeongin is granted a view of his and Changbin’s living room with Changbin asleep on the couch, cheek smooshed into a cushion and his laptop forgotten by his side.</p><p>Then Felix appears on Jeongin’s screen, the walls blurring into pixels in the background as he walks out of the living room.</p><p>“Hey,” Felix greets. He props his phone up as he sits down on his and Changbin’s unmade bed. Jeongin offers a weak smile. The doubting thoughts fade to background noise in his mind but he finds himself at a loss of words. After a beat, Felix huffs out a soft laugh and asks, “Is this about Hyunjin?”</p><p>Jeongin can only stare.</p><p>Felix presses his lips together when Jeongin doesn’t retaliate against the teasing tone like he normally does. His light-hearted smile fades from his features and he leans in closer towards the camera, causing Jeongin to pull back. Not that it helps. He mentally curses the genuine quality of the video call as Felix’s eyes trace over his features.</p><p>“Jeongin, what happened? Are you alright?” Felix’s brows crease as he continues scanning his tired, somewhat swollen eyes.</p><p>Jeongin swallows and despite having a light dinner hours ago, there’s a bittersweet taste on his tongue. “I really like him,” he whispers and brings his knees up to his chest. He sees Seungmin’s eyes from three weeks ago, understanding but so so sad and the words seem to weigh him down more. Jeongin glances up at Felix who’s staring back with empathetic eyes. “I like him so much it hurts.” His heart beats loudly in his chest and Jeongin knows it’s more than <em>like</em>. He steels himself. No more lying.</p><p>“I love Hyunjin.”</p><p>And then the words start tumbling out of his mouth, in no particular order. Jeongin tells Felix about him and Seungmin breaking it off, tells Felix about the university memories he’s been second-guessing and psychoanalyzing, tells Felix about Hyunjin being somewhat distant these past few months.</p><p>He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he looks back at the screen to gauge Felix’s reaction and finds the older blurry. Felix is quiet for a long moment but Jeongin finds he doesn’t mind as he attempts to recompose himself.</p><p>“You said Hyunjin started pulling away when you and Seungmin became official?” Felix asks delicately.</p><p>Jeongin nods. There are still tear tracks running down his face but he doesn’t have the energy to wipe them away. He feels utterly drained.</p><p>“Jeongin, I think you should tell Hyunjin.” Felix’s voice is still compassionate and soft but his tone is serious. Before Jeongin can open his mouth, Felix continues, “You said it yourself. Your love for him doesn’t seem one-sided. I think if you give it a chance and be honest with him now that you’ve been honest with yourself, you and Hyunjin can work this out.”</p><p>“But there’s a chance this won’t work out too,” Jeongin replies tightly but he can feel a spark of hope, flickering, and the tightness in his chest lessens as his heart beats a less frantic tempo.</p><p>“I know.” Felix shifts to lean against a pillow. “But if you don’t try, you’re eliminating the chance that something <em>will</em> happen.” He looks back at Jeongin with knowing eyes and Jeongin is reminded of how Felix was the one who confessed to Changbin first.</p><p>“I’ll try.” Jeongin untucks his legs from his torso and wraps his arms around himself. “I’ll try to be a little braver.”</p><p>Felix shakes his head slightly. “You’re already brave, Jeongin.” Fondness and warmth bleeds into his voice. “And for the record, I think your honesty will pay off. Hell, Jisung and Changbin – even Minho – think so too.”</p><p>Jeongin exhales and though he’s still tired, the weary ache that had sunk its claws into his chest ebbs. “Thank you,” he breathes.</p><p>“There’s nothing to thank,” Felix says gently, a reassuring smile on his face.</p><p>“Really, hyung. I mean it.” Jeongin sucks in a long breath. “Thank you for this, for everything.”</p><p>The call ends shortly after but Jeongin’s mind whirrs with Felix’s words, flooding with memories of all the times Felix had been by his side when it mattered most too. <em>Thank You</em> doesn’t remotely describe how important of a figure Felix was and still is.</p><p>After Hyunjin and Bomin became an item, leaving a void in Jeongin’s life he hadn’t realized could only be filled by Hyunjin, Felix became a crucial aspect of keeping Jeongin’s life going through the bitter nights. Jisung and Changbin and, to a more limited extent, Minho and Chan helped where they could but Jeongin knows he wouldn’t be standing if Felix hadn’t reached out first after Jeongin started pulling away from their friend group.</p><p>Bomin. Even now, the name shoots a spike of anxiety through Jeongin’s heart though there’s no rational way he can take Hyunjin away anymore.</p><p><em>Take away. </em>Jeongin sighs at his thoughts, reluctantly acknowledging that it was jealousy he felt all those years ago.</p><p>He plugs his phone in to charge, continuing to stare at the screen even after it fades into black glass as he reflects on the call. Looking back, Jeongin suspects Felix had known what he really felt for Hyunjin even if at that time, Jeongin himself couldn’t put a name to it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin and Bomin break up at the beginning of Jeongin’s junior year. It’s not a messy break up by any means but Jeongin still finds himself with an armful of Hyunjin the night it happens.</p><p>Jeongin is attempting to follow an “easy” recipe he’d found online when he hears knocking. At first he thinks he might have imagined it or maybe his roommate is simply tapping to the beat of his music that he always plays too loudly; the knocks are only faintly heard over the exhaust fan churning after all. But then he hears them again and the cadence of the knocks is familiar and Jeongin’s chest tightens.</p><p>
  <em>Only Hyunjin ever knocks that rhythm.</em>
</p><p>He makes sure to turn the stove off before rushing to the door and yanking it open. Hyunjin is standing on the other side, his posture stiff but his expression crumpled and despite the chasm that had formed between them, Jeongin can still read him as easily as always.</p><p>Jeongin hasn’t seen the older boy in nearly four months and he’s tempted to close the distance between their bodies and embrace Hyunjin – the need to make sure he’s really here standing before him almost choking. But a part of him, a large part of him, also wants to close the door in the older boy’s face.</p><p>He settles for hanging his arms limply at his side, schooling his features into as stoic of a mask as he can manage. “What are you doing here, hyung?”</p><p>Hyunjin visibly winces and the lines around his eyes tighten. “I’m sorry. I can leave if you’re uncomfortable.”</p><p>“No, don’t.” The words are out of Jeongin’s mouth before he realizes. “It’s um, it’s just been a while,” Jeongin murmurs, wrapping his arms around himself. He hesitates as he takes in Hyunjin’s dejected expression, unsure if he even has the right to ask anymore. (He’s always hated that look on the older boy’s face. The one that makes his lungs constrict. The one that makes Jeongin want to take care of Hyunjin and make sure his eyes are never pained.) “Are you alright?”</p><p>Hyunjin lips quirk up but there’s only sorrow behind the smile. He shakes his head and Jeongin is reaching forward to tug him into the apartment and into his arms.</p><p>Through shaky sentences and stuttering breaths, the older boy tells him about how he and Bomin had ended their relationship of half a year. Jeongin’s stomach does a weird flip as he processes the words and he attributes it to the resigned devastation in Hyunjin’s voice – he’s never been very good at separating his own pain from Hyunjin’s after all.</p><p>Once Hyunjin finally lets go of him and slumps bonelessly into the couch, tear tracks running down his face and eyes so raw it hurts to see, he whispers, “It’s my fault.”</p><p>Jeongin has never been good at verbal consolation so he comes to stand in front of Hyunjin and tugs the older boy towards his chest. Hyunjin doesn’t say anything more as he grips Jeongin’s top tightly and presses his forehead against his exposed collarbones. Though he’s curious, Jeongin doesn’t push to understand; it’s not his place.</p><p>He missed Hyunjin. Jeongin acknowledges that. But while the ache that had settled into his heart quiets, the longing doesn’t dissipate completely.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>As abruptly as Hyunjin had fallen out of Jeongin’s life, he just as abruptly tumbles back in.</p><p>They don’t share any classes this semester but on Tuesdays and Thursdays, their schedules line up enough that Jeongin need only wait twenty minutes outside Hyunjin’s afternoon lecture hall before they meet up, usually grabbing a late lunch and studying in the business library until it’s dark then walking back to their neighboring apartments.</p><p>Jeongin finds that being an upperclassman means even more work and he’s not proud to admit it but he sincerely considers dropping his psychology major. On top of unclear assignments and shitty group projects piles networking and recruiting events, internship applications and leadership workshops, even club responsibilities though Jeongin is only treasury co-chair in the business school’s student finance organization.</p><p>He knows that as a senior, Hyunjin has even less time but somehow manages to juggle dance practices and competitions alongside a part-time data analyst internship and his last few core finance classes.</p><p>What Jeongin admires the most is Hyunjin’s success in balancing his social life with his academic and professional life – always carving out a piece of his free time and leaving it open for friends.</p><p>Unfortunately, Felix and Jisung’s engineering schedules rarely align with Jeongin’s or Hyunjin’s. If they’re lucky, the four of them meet up once or twice a month in person for a few hours downtown or crash at Hyunjin’s place since he’s the only one without roommates. They keep in touch over their multimedia group chats but it’s not quite the same.</p><p>Maybe it’s because they’re both in the school of business or maybe both Jeongin and Hyunjin are trying harder than before, making up for lost time yet never directly confronting the reasons they pulled away from each other, but Jeongin finds himself spending the most time with the older boy. He hadn’t realized how much his somewhat self-induced withdrawal from Hyunjin had affected him until Hyunjin was suddenly in his life again.</p><p>The smiles come easier, his laughs freer even when Hyunjin isn’t right by his side. It’s strange how despite all the change the older boy had brought into Jeongin’s life, he’s also the one who consistently grounds him to the world.</p><p>Still, things remain a little wired between them though Jeongin can’t pinpoint why. He can’t help but feel like in certain ways, they’re dancing around each other.</p><p><em>It doesn’t matter, </em>Jeongin tells himself, <em>Hyunjin is back. He’s here. I won’t lose him again no matter what change comes at us next.</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s the night before Hyunjin, Felix and Jisung’s graduation but while Felix and Jisung are celebrating with their engineering peers, Hyunjin had declined the business department’s invitation, citing he wanted to avoid and forcibly forget all the egotistical boys and ditzy girls who had cheated and slept their way to graduation. Jeongin and Hyunjin squish onto Hyunjin’s double mattress, letting conversation flow and dim between them, taking comfort in one another for the last time in what could be a long while though Jeongin tries not to think about that too much.</p><p>“Jeongin,” Hyunjin murmurs beside him. It’s well past two in the morning at this point. Jeongin is half-asleep but he’s keenly aware of Hyunjin’s body pressed up against his left side. “I need to tell you something.”</p><p>Jeongin hums for the older boy to continue.</p><p>Hyunjin shifts onto his side so he’s no longer pressed against Jeongin. The silence stretches long enough that Jeongin turns towards the older boy, frowning as he reaches out and finds Hyunjin’s warm hand.</p><p>A measured breath is all the warning he gets. “Jeongin, I never told you the real reason I broke up with Bomin,” Hyunjin whispers. Jeongin can feel Hyunjin’s breathes brush over his cheek but can only stare in bewilderment as the dim city lighting of the half-open blinds illuminates Hyunjin’s features. “We were really different but I can’t help thinking that wasn’t the only factor like maybe my heart was never really with him. Bomin ended it so <em>‘We could both be true to our hearts.’</em> What a romantic.” Hyunjin’s voice drops off into a mirthless laugh that sounds a little wet.</p><p>Jeongin squeezes Hyunjin’s hand. “It’s okay, hyung. You don’t need to tell me.”</p><p>At the words, Hyunjin shakes his head. “No, you deserve to know.” Hyunjin runs his free hand through his hair and turns his gaze to the ceiling for a moment before glancing back down at Jeongin. “Bomin was right, in a sense. My heart was never with him. It’s here, Jeongin,” Hyunjin murmurs. He stares at Jeongin with a shattered hopefulness and a tiny pained smile.</p><p>
  <em>It’s here.</em>
</p><p>But that would mean…Jeongin’s heart starts beating in double time. Things start clicking together slowly like piecing together a story except Jeongin doesn’t understand exactly what it means – what interpretation to use in this context. “Your heart is here,” he repeats dumbly. “You, wait, you like—”</p><p>“Jeongin, I should have said this a year ago, maybe well over a year ago, but it’s more than that. I really—”</p><p>Hyunjin’s phone buzzes so violently, the mattress actually rattles against the bedframe. The moment the older boy picks up the phone underneath the pillow, he frowns harshly but answers. Jeongin catches a glimpse of a middle-aged couple, the same picture he’s come to identify Hyunjin’s absent parents with and associate quite a few of Hyunjin’s bad days with.</p><p>As Hyunjin glares at the opposite wall, listening to his mother’s voice on the other line, Jeongin is left to try and calm his racing heart. He’s not sure why he feels so giddy yet so disappointed.</p><p>Hyunjin finally seems to get a word in. “Mother, it’s nearing three in the morning here.”</p><p>There’s a pause in the rapid-fire excitement of the voice over the line and then a tinny response. <em>“Sorry, darling. It’s early afternoon in the states. It’s beautiful here—”</em></p><p>“Why did you call?” Hyunjin cuts in harshly. Jeongin winces a little at the acidic tone but knows it’s well-earned. Hyunjin rarely speaks of his family but the glimpses Jeongin had gotten over the years meant he held Hyunjin’s parents in very low regard.</p><p>
  <em>“Your father and I only want to tell you how proud we are. Our baby is graduating from university.  Congratulations!”</em>
</p><p>Jeongin can tell Hyunjin is clenching his jaw when he replies, “But not proud enough to bother attending, right?”</p><p>A pregnant pause follows before a man’s voice is heard over the line. <em>“We’re sorry, Hyunjin. Your mother and I are really busy with work. We have to meet deadlines, you know, and we can’t be there for events that aren’t essential to our work—”</em></p><p>Hyunjin rips the phone from his ear, smashing the end call button as he does so before throwing the mobile device onto his nightstand. He takes a shaky breath and Jeongin sees his eyes slip shut, long eyelashes brushing his cheekbones.</p><p>Jeongin extends a hand to brush the first tear that drips down Hyunjin’s face, tugging him down beside him and yanking the covers up to cover their bodies.</p><p>Jeongin starts humming a ballad piece he’d heard in one of Hyunjin’s dramas. Hyunjin’s quiet sniffles eventually fade into even breaths, the older boy curled up with his knees tucked by Jeongin’s hips.</p><p>Even after Hyunjin shifts in his sleep and Jeongin reads that it’s half past four in the morning on the digital clock across the room, he lies there, wide awake. Jeongin cups Hyunjin’s cheek and brushes a thumb over his eyelid, brushing a loose eyelash from a dried tear track. Hyunjin’s whispers, a possible confession, ring in his mind and Jeongin forces down the hope threatening to bloom. His heart aches at the uncertainty but somehow…the pain isn’t new.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The more he thinks about that particular night forever ingrained in his memory, the more Jeongin wonders what could have been different if Hyunjin had finished speaking. He wonders if he still wishes for Hyunjin to complete those same words now, unfiltered and imperfect but raw and genuine.</p><p>(He does.)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have resigned myself to the fact that I am unable to not write angst. I can't believe the original idea for <i>Waffles or Pancakes</i> was fluff overload and light-hearted romance...guess I wanted to show how messy and complicated emotions are and wanted it to be more realistic? or mayhaps I just projected a little too much LOL</p><p>1. Not gonna lie, I definitely projected with the university scenes. They were all very much self-indulgent and I sprinkled in a lot of my own experiences (prior to lockdown and online courses) into the finer details with like different colleges within a university, city food &gt; campus food always, taking over dormitory lounges as underclassmen😂, and just sheer campus size.</p><p>2. Speaking of university size, I decided on Kyung Hee University rather than Seoul National University as KHU is much larger in terms of student population and campus size. Also the fact that KHU isn't as cutthroat of a school as SNU with an acceptance rate of ~40% as compared to SNU's significantly more competitive acceptance rate of ~10%-20% which leads to a higher probability of SKZ attending the same university (okay maybe I overanalyzed the logistics lmao)</p><p>3. Hyunjin being protective and looking out so much for Jeongin though🥺 The two of them have such soft dynamics.</p><p>4. But honestly though, whenever Jeongin is involved, the relations and dynamics and genuine care from any of the members are just 100% pure and soft and restore my faith in humanity a little. OT8 truly (but uwu Felix and Jeongin really have such sweet dynamics, the bby line)</p><p>5. Omg this is like a super random detail but that texting exchange between Jeongin and Hyunjin oof. When people who never use proper grammar start using it while texting, you know <b>something</b> is up...</p><p> <br/>Hyunjin was so close to confessing to Jeongin (◕︵◕) Originally, I actually considered ending this story with that almost confession and with Jeongin wishing Hyunjin <i>had</i> said something but I didn't want to leave my bois on such an unresolved note.</p><p>With that said, I'll hopefully have the following chapter [part 2 lol] up soon.</p><p> </p><p>Hope you all have a great day and are doing well! Until next time XD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Stability</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>“With you, I’m a beautiful mess…It’s like we’re standing hand in hand with all our fears up on the edge.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>―Sad Song (We the Kings ft. Elena Coats)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Who's ready for more pining, angst and unrequited love? (And eventual fluff and requited love too LOL)</p><p>Let's get those waffles 😅</p><p>[For reference:<br/>♫♪ = non-linear shifting between university times and present times (post-grad/working)<br/>♪ = time skip within university or time skip within the present (post-graduation)]</p><p><b>TW:</b> mentions of blood, overworking</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin knows what the meaning of stability is. The dictionary definition, at least. He’s never really known what stability meant in the context of his life.</p><p>His parents are Foreign Service officers with no concept of a work-life balance. Hyunjin learns pretty early on that he can’t reliably depend on either of them nor can he reliably call a place home as his parents are reassigned every two years. Sometimes, the assignment is only in a different city but often, their family has to move overseas until the assignment’s completion.</p><p>Once high school hits and his parents realize Hyunjin’s tuition will be paid for by the Korean government as long as he stays within the country for both high school and university, Hyunjin is deposited in front of Jisung’s house where the younger boy’s parents are one of several host families for international students in Seoul. Hyunjin isn’t an international student but his unfamiliarity with his home country definitely qualifies him as one.</p><p>High school has its ups and downs, the social ladder a mystery to him though his fellow classmates somehow shove him near the top. Despite that, Jisung is the only person Hyunjin can genuinely call a friend and he tentatively associates the younger boy with home.</p><p>They successfully test into the same university after grueling hours spent in cram school and late-night study sessions but in spite of all the excitement surrounding this next stage in their lives, Hyunjin is anxious to all the change on the horizon.</p><p>He flounders freshman year at Kyung Hee University, unsure of his academic interests, even more uncertain of his professional ones and though he and Jisung remain close, there’s so much change in their lives, Hyunjin wonders if the shaky stability he felt in high school was all an illusion – if maybe he’s cursed to never solidly grasp any semblance of familiarity before it’s disintegrating in his hands.</p><p>Then he meets Jeongin and Hyunjin’s life shifts irreversibly.</p><p>Jeongin becomes a steady presence, a fixture in his life so irreplaceable Hyunjin sometimes marvels at how he ever got by without the younger. With him, Hyunjin begins to understand what stability and home really means.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>A burst of red and gold lights up the darkening skies and Hyunjin moves quickly to snap a series of photos. Beside him, Jeongin exclaims as another vibrant flash of color – this time orange and white – explodes among the stars and crackles into distant smoke.</p><p>Hyunjin lowers his camera as the last of the fireworks fades into the midnight ink of the sky. He thumbs through a couple of the continuous snapshots before he reaches one where the Lunar New Years’ fireworks display is captured perfectly in three fiery bangs. But the grin that settles on his lips isn’t from the successful fireworks shot, it’s from the effervescent happiness in Jeongin’s expression, glowing from the artificial lights, despite only seeing the outline of his side profile in the frame.</p><p>His stomach flips as Jeongin turns to him excitedly. Jeongin wraps nimble fingers around Hyunjin’s wrist where his sweatshirt isn’t covering his skin, tugging him closer as he gestures towards the drones flying in formation to assemble a dragon in the sky. The younger boy is rambling excitedly about the hundreds if not thousands of colors the drones are taking on so the dragon’s scales are moving and shimmering like it’s actually alive.</p><p>Hyunjin has to agree the dragon is amazing but most of his attention is hyper-focused on the sensation of Jeongin’s touch burning his skin. When he looks at Jeongin, the younger boy is already staring back with his head tilted expectantly. He must have asked a question.</p><p>“You didn’t hear anything I said, did you?” Jeongin laughs. The white puffs of air swirl between them and it’s only then that Hyunjin realizes there’s hardly a few inches between their bodies.</p><p>Hyunjin smiles sheepishly and glances around the roof of the university physics and astronomy building they’re not supposed to have access to. A dull melancholy washes over him as he realizes he only has another month at Kyung Hee before graduation.</p><p>Jeongin lets go of his wrist and their fingers brush for a fleeting moment. Hyunjin doesn’t let himself overthink the gesture as Jeongin uses both his hands to frame the luminous display in the night sky. “I was wondering if you could take some pictures of the dragon drone thingy and send them to me?”</p><p>“Of course.” The smile that’s sent his way leaves Hyunjin’s heart pounding in his ears.</p><p>He ends up taking more pictures of Jeongin than he does of the constantly morphing drone display. Maybe it’s because Hyunjin has never liked change no matter what form it takes; it’s one of the reasons he loves photography. Once a picture is taken, it’s permanent.</p><p>Just like how Jeongin is a permanent and stable aspect of Hyunjin’s life. Rather than heading home for the university holiday, the younger boy had stayed with him on a mostly deserted campus.</p><p>When Hyunjin had joked that the reason Jeongin stayed was because Hyunjin was irresistible, Jeongin had shoved him and rather defensively, retorted, “A trip to Busan isn’t exactly cheap. I’m only stuck with you because there’s no one else worth being with who’s still on-campus.” For all the harshness in his tone, Jeongin couldn’t hold his gaze and Hyunjin swore there was a blush painting Jeongin’s shadowed face as the words sank in.</p><p>
  <em>No one else worth being with.</em>
</p><p>It was times like those that made Hyunjin question whether he had truly fallen in love alone. He wishes he could tell Jeongin just how important the younger boy is in keeping his life worth living, the kind of importance that ran beyond friendly intimacy.</p><p>But Hyunjin didn’t want to lose the connection and absolute understanding they had with one another. Things would change if he opened his mouth and said those three deceivingly simple words. Their dynamic would never be the same in the after.</p><p>Hyunjin watches Jeongin cross his arms on the railing and place his cheek against the makeshift pillow, a small smile resting on his features and curving his eyes sweetly. He feels like he’s lying to Jeongin, internalizing all of these complicated but steadfast emotions when the two of them have always been so achingly honest with each other.</p><p><em>Just a little more time, </em>Hyunjin thinks, <em>just until I can sort everything out.</em></p><p>(He’s fooling himself. He’s had it all figured out for quite some time now.)</p><p>Once both of them have lost feeling in their fingers and toes and the drones have been replaced by the noise and the light pollution of the city, the two of them walk back to their neighboring apartments. Hyunjin hesitates when they’re parting ways. Jeongin is so close he can see his dark irises twinkling under the streetlights. There are words at the tip of his tongue and the urge to reach out to the younger boy and never let him go is stronger than ever.</p><p>“Thank you for spending the day with me,” Hyunjin says instead. <em>I had a lot of fun </em>nearly leaves his mouth too before he realizes how close that sounds to something one would say after a romantic date.</p><p>“I’m happy I stayed.” For a split second, Jeongin looks uncertain as he takes a small step forward before he pulls back again. There’s something a little off about his dimpled smile when he waves and murmurs, “Goodnight, hyung.”</p><p>Hyunjin doesn’t get much sleep that night. He tries to convince himself that as long as Jeongin is happy, he’s happy too, but there’s a piece of him that desperately wishes for something more. He holds a fist against his heart as if doing so would cause the unpleasant tingling to go away, as if doing so would somehow wipe away the choices he had made a year ago with Bomin.</p><p>No matter how much it might hurt, Hyunjin makes a choice in the solitude of his bedroom to tell Jeongin everything.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Bomin sweeps into his life partway through junior year. Two weeks of exchanging short, cordial remarks later, Bomin asks him out on a date and Hyunjin says <em>yes</em>.</p><p>Hyunjin wants to think he agrees because Bomin is friendly and level-headed, that they work well together in terms of personality, that Bomin likes him more than just another temporary pretty face in his life. Deep down though, Hyunjin admits to himself that he agreed because he figured that some relationship experience, no matter how positive or negative, was better than none.</p><p>After months where he and Bomin try to make things work, Hyunjin finds out the hard way that forcing a relationship just for a spark of romance that was never quite reciprocated isn’t worthwhile and ultimately only serves to devastate all parties involved. Both Hyunjin and Bomin really do try though, sacrificing other social commitments and drawing back a little from their respective friend groups.</p><p>However, there’s always a weird strain in their conversations and actions, only lessened when doing more intimate activities though neither of them ever go very far. It’s like they never get over the initial awkwardness of being strangers – uncertain with anything personal or close to heart.</p><p>In the end, he and Bomin simply have very different lives with distinct ambitions and separate interests, passions and needs. They co-exist in unassociated spheres of life and they both desire different things in a relationship that neither of them can deliver for the other.</p><p>In the end, that’s what tears them apart. After all, connections can’t be built where neither heart nor mind are encompassed in full.</p><p>In the end, it isn’t an explosive break-up but somehow, it doesn’t make the last conversation they ever have any lighter or any less excruciating.</p><p>Bomin suggests they stay friends but that they should both take some time for themselves before reaching out again. Hyunjin nods and they exchange a round of remorseful apologies, wishing each other heartfelt hopes that they will meet someone better and that the two of them will be alright and stay in each other’s lives.</p><p>(But even at that time, Hyunjin knew in his gut that they would go separate ways without their red strings of fate ever crossing again. Their lives were never meant to be interconnected – their hearts were never meant for one another to have.)</p><p>Bomin turns away first and Hyunjin sees him bring his hands up to wipe his face as he blends into the other students walking off-campus.</p><p>For the next hour, Hyunjin only feels blank as he meanders slowly through campus, his mind quiet but his heart uncomfortably heavy. Eventually, he leans against the side of an unoccupied bench in the quad and opens the photo app on his phone. He scrolls back several months, unsure what exactly he’s looking for until he stops at one photo and thinks, <em>Oh, that’s it.</em></p><p>If he remembers correctly, it’s Felix who had taken the picture. His eyes trace the outline of Jeongin’s face in the slightly blurry photo, up front and center with his features loose, caught mid-speech while gesticulating. Jisung and Changbin are in the shot to Jeongin’s left, Jisung’s head is thrown back in laughter while Changbin has his own phone recording a, no doubt, shaky video of Jeongin’s impersonation of a famous television persona. Hyunjin stares at himself, caught partially on frame a little behind Jeongin. Or more specifically, he stares at his own expression.</p><p>It’s one filled with unfiltered fondness and complete and utter adoration. There’s only one word that comes to mind when he identifies the look on his face and his heart clenches at how blind he’s been, at how <em>careless</em> he’s been.</p><p>Hyunjin thought he had learned his lesson with Minho. Didn’t that heartbreak teach him anything?</p><p>He knows he wears his heart on his sleeve, knows he has an unhealthy talent for bottling his emotions up, an <em>I’ll process it later</em> mindset. His phone goes dark but Hyunjin continues staring vacantly at the screen. It’s unlikely but Hyunjin still wonders if he and Bomin could have worked out had Hyunjin not fallen in love with a different, completely unattainable person.</p><p>Again.</p><p>Only this time, the heartbreak would hurt so much more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin’s heart threatens to claw its way out of his throat as he walks to the family-owned dumpling restaurant Jeongin had texted him about. He reminds himself that this is just another Friday evening, trying new food with Jeongin and catching up with one another’s lives.</p><p>Except it really isn’t.</p><p>Whether he acknowledges it or not, things had changed. Hyunjin thought he’d be used to change by now. But the doubt and the hurt spreading from his heart tell of a different story.</p><p>Hyunjin rounds the corner of a convenience store and spots Jeongin looking around with his phone in one hand, his other hand sweeping his hair back. He stares as Jeongin’s bangs settle back into place on his forehead, soft and tousled, before the younger turns in his direction and waves excitedly.</p><p>He tamps down the burning in his chest and plasters a cheerful smile on his face.</p><p>Jeongin shoves his phone into his back pocket as Hyunjin approaches but grimaces and takes the device back out. “It’s already way too hot,” he complains in lieu of a greeting. “I swear I only used my phone for a few minutes but it’s burning.”</p><p>Hyunjin laughs for real, knowing the younger was likely running a mobile game with high-definition graphics while waiting for him to arrive. There’s a cute pout on Jeongin’s lips and Hyunjin’s gaze lingers a little longer than necessary, a little longer than what’s likely considered platonic.</p><p>He shakes himself out of his reverie and yanks the doors of the restaurant open, gesturing for Jeongin to enter first who rolls his eyes but obliges. “Come on, there’s air conditioning inside.”</p><p>After they’re seated and handed menus, they lose themselves in conversation, catching up with one another. The food is delicious: soup dumplings with just the right amount of meat and vegetable fillings, potstickers dipped in chili, na’an bread with whipped cream and a small army of complimentary side dishes.</p><p>It’s surprising, really, how Seungmin’s name doesn’t even come up until the very end of dinner and maybe Hyunjin should read into it more: why Jeongin doesn’t say anything about himself and Seungmin when it’s a pretty significant step in his life within the past week. But his mind instead fixates irrationally on how Jeongin might be leaving his life just like so many others had.</p><p>Hyunjin is nursing a full stomach, leaning back on his side of the booth, when he comments about definitely coming back to the restaurant.</p><p>“Seungmin brought me here last week actually,” Jeongin laughs, hand on his own stomach. “If anything, we should be thanking him for the affordable food.”</p><p>Right. Jeongin had Seungmin now. They hadn’t even been official for a week yet the icy barbs in Hyunjin’s ribcage make themselves at home at Seungmin’s name.</p><p>“Ah, well.” Suddenly, the leftover kimchi stew Hyunjin was set to take home doesn’t look as appetizing anymore. He forces himself to retie the packaging so Jeongin’s undoubtedly radiant face as the younger talks about how sweet Seungmin is, paying for their dinner and walking him home, isn’t associated with his jealousy.</p><p>If Jeongin notices that Hyunjin is distracted as they split the bill, the younger doesn’t comment but there’s something almost scrutinizing in his eyes when they part ways. What happened with Minho, the tension that for whatever reason never faded completely between them, replays in Hyunjin’s mind and Hyunjin vows to not allow whatever feelings he may have for Jeongin destroy what they have.</p><p>It’s harder than it sounds.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“You had a crush on Minho hyung?”</p><p>Hyunjin nudges Jeongin’s thigh pointedly where they’re lying on a beat-up couch in one of Jeongin’s dormitory lounges. The dorm is quiet on this particular Friday night – it usually is with most students out in the city with their friends, making impulsive choices and filling their socializing meters. He and Jeongin have been spending Friday nights together for a while now, cycling between Jeongin’s dorm and Hyunjin’s studio. It’s technically the second Friday in a row they’re here in this lounge since Hyunjin’s heater had broken down a few days ago with a cold front foreshadowing the start of November.</p><p>“Hey, you promised you wouldn’t judge,” Hyunjin says with a pout. He props his head up with his arm and looks over at Jeongin where the younger boy has taken up the majority of the couch space, a blanket pulled up to his chin and hair splayed across the arm rest.</p><p>Jeongin presses his lips into a line, clearly holding back from outright laughing. “I promise your secret is safe with me.”</p><p>Hyunjin laughs humorlessly. “Well, here’s the thing. Minho knew.” He’s surprised to find the bitterness of unrequited love no longer tinges his voice, especially considering how deeply (and painfully) he had fallen for Minho. “And he also knew…it was more than just a crush too.”</p><p>As he lowers himself back down on the armrest, staring at the patterned ceiling, he feels Jeongin shift his weight. A moment later, a warm blanket comes to cover Hyunjin’s tucked legs.</p><p>Hyunjin sits up in surprise, making sure Jeongin’s blanket doesn’t fall to the floor. Jeongin is sitting cross-legged on the other side of the couch but his eyes are averted as he brushes at some lint adorning his pajamas.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t realize it was such a heavy memory,” Jeongin whispers. When he finally glances up at Hyunjin, his expression is apologetic. The younger boy gestures towards the darkened television screen where his laptop is hooked up and idled out, the show they had been watching paused and forgotten. “We can continue if you want?”</p><p>His heart warms at Jeongin’s consideration and he finds himself nodding.</p><p>It isn’t until Jeongin gets up to reboot his laptop that Hyunjin finally pieces together the words he wants to say. “I’m alright. I don’t think I’ve viewed Minho like that since the start of this semester actually,” Hyunjin realizes aloud.</p><p>Coincidentally, he had also met Jeongin at the start of the current semester.</p><p>Hyunjin hesitates a bit, wondering if he’s maybe overstepping since they haven’t known each other for very long, but he barrels forward anyways. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable.” The words come out softer than he expects. “But Jeongin, if I ever say or do anything you’re not okay with either, please let me know.”</p><p>Jeongin glances over at him with wide eyes. A bit of lingering uncertainty is etched into his features but Hyunjin swears there are sparkling flickers of optimism in Jeongin’s dark irises. The younger boy smiles and turns back to his laptop. He taps a few keys before he unnecessarily disconnects and reconnects the HDMI cable to Hyunjin’s amusement. Jeongin then swivels back and plops himself onto the couch. Only once the episode is playing does Jeongin respond.</p><p>“You can be honest with me too, hyung.” <em>You can trust me too, </em>Jeongin seems to say in that sentence.</p><p>Hyunjin feels a warm tingling travel through his chest. He thinks back to when he was a little kid, tears in his eyes when he’d told his parents honestly that he wished he got to spend more time with them. That wish was never fulfilled and Hyunjin’s trust in their shaky dynamic had shattered after that.</p><p>Eventually Jeongin falls asleep next to him, phone clutched in his hand and opened to a group chat and still huddled under the blanket after Hyunjin had insisted they share. He maneuvers himself out of the blanket to pause the show and unplug Jeongin’s laptop from the TV.</p><p>When Hyunjin gently wakes the younger boy, tugging the warm blanket more securely around Jeongin’s slim frame as Hyunjin walks him back to his dorm room, he makes the same wish he had made all those years ago with his parents. In that quiet moment, Hyunjin hopes trusting Jeongin doesn’t end up being a mistake.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin meets Minho when he auditions to join one of the university’s dance clubs though it’s honestly more of a competitive dance team than a simple student-run interest group.</p><p>Originally, he has no intention of auditioning. Hyunjin only goes because Felix, a freshman he had been paired with for an ice breaker session in some engineering club activity, asks if he wants to come along.</p><p>They show up a little late. The club president, a senior named Mina, is in the midst of introducing herself and the organization. Turns out, the organization caps its members count at twenty – they’re only looking to recruit four or five more members – but despite the numbers, only a couple of individuals are selected every year for the district-wide competitions. The club president goes on to say the club marks attendance and requires a weekly time commitment from its members of roughly 10-15 hours. Mina directs students who are only casually interested in dance to a different club her friend runs.</p><p>Once she finishes with the slides, over half of the room empties out with people thanking the club officers for their time. Only about ten students remain, including both Felix and Hyunjin.</p><p>Mina smiles and redirects their attention to the vice president of the club, a junior named Minho, who would be helping her judge the recruitment auditions. They both hand out numbered notecards to each of the remaining students, asking them to fill out some basic information about themselves.</p><p>When Minho reaches Hyunjin and Felix, Hyunjin waves his hand as he tries to decline. “I’m only here to support my friend.”</p><p>Minho blinks before he smiles with perfect teeth and long eyelashes. Hyunjin feels his stomach swoop as he makes eye contact with the older. “It can’t hurt to try,” Minho says with a small shrug but his tone is encouraging.</p><p>Though Minho is still a complete stranger to him, the words give Hyunjin enough courage to take an audition card for himself. For some reason, he doesn’t ever want to disappoint Minho. He tries to run through impressive choreographies from his days in the high school dance team.</p><p>But when he finds himself waiting to the side as Felix dances energetically to an upbeat song, charisma shining through his expressions and movements, Hyunjin instead decides to dance to a western song he’d been painstakingly piecing together choreography for in his free time. Felix choosing a song that isn’t known for its breathtaking dance breaks but making it his own with his energy and performance makes Hyunjin want to stand out in his own way as well.</p><p>When he connects his phone to the speaker and starts up the song, the atmosphere noticeably shifts and Hyunjin lets the almost chilling melody and the female vocalist’s aching voice sink into his skin and guide his body through the sequence of sharp movements punctuated with sorrowful pauses.</p><p>He doesn’t dare look up to find Mina and Minho’s reactions when he’s completed the part of the choreography he’s sequenced but isn’t completely satisfied with, opting to grab his phone and disconnect the music before shuffling back to Felix who’s sitting with the other students.</p><p>“You did great! Did you choreograph that yourself?” There’s awe in Felix’s voice and adoration in his eyes when Hyunjin looks over at him. He nods shyly and Felix bumps his shoulder lightly, “Both the president and the vice president looked blown away. I’m sure you got in.”</p><p>The next few minutes are a little tense as everyone waits with baited breath, watching Mina and Minho exchange notes in hushed voices.</p><p>Mina finally stands and after complimenting and thanking everyone for their efforts, announces the five individuals who would be joining their team – three other students and Felix and Hyunjin. They regroup with both Mina and Minho after the students who didn’t make the team file out of the room with consolatory donuts.</p><p>“Congratulations, everyone! The dance season officially starts in two weeks for new recruits so make sure to take good care of your bodies. We’ll have practices Mondays through Thursdays in the evenings with an additional optional practice on Saturday mornings. I look forward to seeing you all soon,” Mina elaborates with a grin as she hands them all reminder slips.</p><p>Hyunjin and Felix are nearly out of the doors to the dance studio when Minho calls his name. He tells Felix to go ahead and after a quick scramble to swap numbers, Hyunjin turns to see Minho with an amused expression painting his features, no doubt having witnessed the exchange.</p><p>“You have a lot of potential,” Minho states without any sort of greeting or formal introduction as Hyunjin steps away from the entrance. “But you’re confident enough.” The older boy must see Hyunjin’s face fall because he quickly shakes his head and laughs. “It’s just an observation – doesn’t mean anything bad.”</p><p>Hyunjin fiddles with his fingers as he glances between Minho’s face and his hands. “How do I…change that?”</p><p>Minho tilts his head. “Change?” he repeats slowly. A harder, more calculating glint settles into his features. “I’m not sure what kinds of people have been in your life that the moment you hear someone else’s observations, you immediately want to change yourself, but that’s definitely not okay.” In a quieter voice, Minho continues, “Others can help you grow and become more comfortable with yourself, but no one should ever try to change who you are as a person. And I’m not just talking about dance.”</p><p>Hyunjin’s heart pounds at Minho’s words and he’s embarrassed to find his eyes a little wet as he latches onto the underlying care in his tone. “Thank you, sunbaenim.”</p><p>“Hyung is fine.” Minho raises his hand in farewell. “I’ll see you around, Hyunjin.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dance practice turns out to be vastly different from the (often) goofing around the dance team at Hyunjin’s high school had done.</p><p>Dance practice for the competitive dance club means grueling hours in the dance studio, music pounding through the speakers, shoes slapping the glossy floor and chugging drinks with electrolytes to replenish all the fluids they were losing. Hyunjin almost hates it and genuinely debates quitting after the first practice session with Mina leading.</p><p>But then he sees Minho dance for the first time, during their second required practice session as newer recruits, and Hyunjin’s mind back spaces on the notion of quitting and never seeing Minho in his element again.</p><p>The older boy is self-assured and versatile with his movements, able to transition between graceful and fluid in one moment to sharp and powerful in the next. It’s clear that Minho has years of technical prowess and substantial experience performing onstage and in front of an audience. While he jokes around with all of them and acts far younger than his age, especially outside the dance studio as they all come to learn, the Minho that giggles at weird things and teases his friends falls away on the dance floor.</p><p>Minho has a no-nonsense attitude during practice, his demeanor serious and his voice patient but strict when correcting mistakes in choreography. Hyunjin swears Minho’s eyes <em>change</em> when he dances. It’s a microscopic narrowing of his eyes but it sharpens his features and adds magnetic power to his movements, attracting attention and drawing people into his orbit.</p><p>It’s inspiring but also a little intimidating if Hyunjin is being honest.</p><p>(He also finds it kind of hot.)</p><p>Hyunjin doesn’t think he will ever dance with the kind of bewitching detail and fiery passion that Minho has. But Minho’s words from their first meeting flash through his mind and he reminds himself that it’s okay; he shouldn’t try to change how his own personality bleeds into his dance.</p><p>A month after he and Felix join the dance team, Hyunjin volunteers to help Minho choreograph a dance for a possible unit competition. They spend the entire afternoon and part of the evening listening to the song, marking down passages for little solo spotlights, setting aside specific measures for transitions, and walking through and choreographing a rough draft of the first minute of the song.</p><p>Hyunjin is lying down on the floor with his eyes closed, catching his breath, when Minho speaks.</p><p>“There’s a restaurant about two blocks from campus that offers students a small discount,” Minho remarks. “It’s really not much of a price reduction but their chef’s specials are worth it.”</p><p>Hyunjin blinks his eyes open and sits up roughly to look at the older boy who’s tapping away on his phone. “That’s good to know,” he replies uncertainly.</p><p>Minho rolls his eyes and shoves his phone into his pocket, standing in one effortless move. He grabs his and Hyunjin’s bags and walks over to where Hyunjin is still seated on the floor.</p><p>“I’m asking if you want to come.” He chucks Hyunjin’s bag at his stomach and tilts his head, mirth twinkling in his eyes. “I mean, if you don’t want to be treated…”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, it’s an invitation.</em>
</p><p>Hyunjin mentally face palms but quickly reassures Minho that he’s coming. He’s pretty sure Minho catches the dopey smile on his face even as they turn to leave the dance studio.</p><p>They’re walking off-campus, waiting for the crosswalk sign to change, when Minho’s phone goes off. Hyunjin watches Minho pull the device out and glimpses two figures posing in front of Seoul Tower before Minho accepts the call.</p><p>There’s a beat as a voice speaks through the line and then Minho sighs though his lips twitch upwards.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure the condenser mic is in the living room.”</p><p>The other person on the line says something else, sounding a bit frantic and out of breath.</p><p>“Your black jacket with the chains is hooked behind the door to our room.” Minho’s eyes dance around their surroundings as they finally cross the street.</p><p>There’s a pause and then Minho dissolves into laughter, catching Hyunjin off guard at how full and loud the laughs are compared to his usual tinkling giggles. Complaints filter through Minho’s phone loud enough for Hyunjin to catch half the words before Minho is speaking again.</p><p>“Honestly, you’re such a mess,” Minho says, still a little breathless. “Have fun recording but don’t stay too long. I’ll see you tonight.” With that, Minho ends the call. His features are exasperated but there’s a warm smile adorning his face.</p><p>Hyunjin shoves his hands deeper into his pockets before he works up the nerve to ask who Minho was calling, knowing the older boy doesn’t share many personal details about his life but hoping they’re close enough that he can sate his curiosity. “Was that your roommate?”</p><p>“Hm?” Minho glances at him before he turns forward again. “Oh, that was Chan. He’s my boyfriend.”</p><p>A rock settles into the pit of Hyunjin’s stomach and he scans the street they’re about to cross so he doesn’t have to look at the older boy. The information sinks in heavier than it should. Hyunjin feels a wave of dark disappointment wash over him as he forces himself to hum noncommittally at the answer. He feels Minho’s gaze on him, assessing. But in that moment, as the words cycle on repeat in his mind, Hyunjin can’t bring himself to care.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Hyunjin is on his lunch break, watching the penultimate episode of a drama on his phone, when he receives the text that makes his blood run cold. He can barely concentrate on the regression models and lines of code on his monitors the rest of the day, his mind running a thousand miles a minute. The moment Hyunjin clocks out, he whips out his phone and shoots a text.</p><p>It takes the commute time back to his apartment, an attempt at a healthy dinner, a workout session and a shower before Changbin replies.</p><p>
  <em>You: okay theoretically, if you knew someone was cheating on their significant other, what would you do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): …how worried should I be?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: it’s just IN TheORy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): I’m going to assume you totally don’t know this significant other who is allegedly being cheated on</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): I’d tell them</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): They’ll find out sooner or later, better that it’s sooner</em>
</p><p>Hyunjin clenches his jaw until he hears something click.</p><p>He knows Changbin is right and he hates how Changbin is so wise sometimes. He hates, even more, the fact that his words will only burn Jeongin with no offer of consolation, that he will only make things worse like he always does, that he can never find the right thing to say at the right moments, that he’ll always live with the floundering helplessness and incompetence of who he is, unable to help when it really matters, that––</p><p>His phone vibrates in his hands and Hyunjin jumps. There’s a new message from Changbin. Hyunjin draws his lips together when he realizes he’s been lost in his spiraling thoughts for nearly ten minutes.</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): Hyunjin are you okay?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: yeah i’m fine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: i just need to handle some stuff</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): Hey don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s that asshole who’s at fault for cheating and if whoever they’re cheating with knows, it’s their fault too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): I know you’ll support your friend through the whole aftermath</em>
</p><p>The irony in Changbin’s statement isn’t lost to Hyunjin and he sort of wants to laugh bitterly and cry at the same time. It’s Seungmin. And it’s Jisung.</p><p>Maybe Jisung doesn’t know Seungmin is dating Jeongin. The youngest had kept their relationship pretty quiet after all and Hyunjin is relatively confident he’s still the only person Jeongin has told despite it being nearly three months since the two started dating.</p><p>But Seungmin.</p><p>Hyunjin shudders at the thought of what Changbin would do if he found out the asshole in his statement was really Seungmin. He’d only found out a few months ago that Changbin and Seungmin are childhood friends, close in the sense of being family friends but not close enough to know each other’s social circles well. From what Hyunjin can glean about Seungmin, he doesn’t seem like the kind of person to share his personal life with many people either.</p><p>So Changbin likely has no idea Seungmin and Jeongin are together. Hyunjin doesn’t know if that makes the situation any less disheartening.</p><p>
  <em>You: thank you hyung</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: i’ll talk to you later</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Binnie (¬‿¬): Np, I’ll be here if you need anything</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: &lt;3</em>
</p><p>Hyunjin toggles back to all of his messages and feels his stomach turn as he taps Jisung’s name. He scrolls back to before <em>that </em>message sent earlier in the day and reads through his and Jisung’s texts one more time, as if the last few messages haven’t ingrained themselves into his thoughts at this point.</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): just met the cutest softest guy who’s somehow the snarkiest most sarcastic person i have ever had the honor to meet omg my heart</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: minho?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): …why do i put up with you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): at least i wasn’t head over heels for hyung</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: i know where you live Han Jisung and i won’t hesitate to kick your door down</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): don’t you dare do that again asdfsuwifsdjnc it took me hours to fix the hinges last time</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: and if i hadn’t, you’d be dead from overworking yourself</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: next time i’ll make sure you starve</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): anywaysssss back to the guy who stole my heart,,, I got his number!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You: please tell me it’s a real number and he’s a real person</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): the lack of faith smh but ya he’s legit, name’s Seungmin</em>
</p><p>Hyunjin had smirked at the clear capitalization in the middle of messages riddled with bad grammar and syntactical mistakes before he’d furrowed his brows because – Seungmin?</p><p>Jisung had still been typing but even when the text came through, Hyunjin hadn’t been able to shake the ice cubes slowly trickling down his spine.</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): he’s single and i’m single and he actually seemed interested?? it might not go anywhere but i have a good feeling this time</em>
</p><p>Hyunjin definitely hadn’t had a good feeling and the impending sense of dread had coursed through his heart as he’d shakily typed his next words, hitting send with trepidation, his lunch break officially ruined.</p><p>
  <em>You: wait, would his full name happen to be KIM Seungmin</em>
</p><p>Jisung had responded quickly and the ice previously drumming through Hyunjin’s veins had been immediately replaced with molten anger and a stabbing, burning pain in his chest. Black had flashed across Hyunjin’s vision for a split second before he’d refocused on the text Jisung had sent – one he still hasn’t replied to, hours later nearing midnight on a Thursday night.</p><p>
  <em>Sung (</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>ω</em>
  <em>◕</em>
  <em>): yeah! woAH do you know him!!</em>
</p><p>(<em>Yeah, you could say I do, </em>Hyunjin replies venomously in his mind.)</p><p>His phone buzzes right as the clock hits midnight with a text from Jeongin as if the younger had timed it just so, which…he probably had. Hyunjin smiles a little at that. The text contains a reminder that Hyunjin is the one paying for their braised beef stew at the high-end franchise the next day since he’d promised.</p><p>Honestly, Hyunjin hadn’t promised anything. He’d just been more than willing to do anything to keep the stability between him and Jeongin in place.</p><p>
  <em>You: ofc lol</em>
</p><p>Despite the initial happiness to hear from Jeongin, his heart sinks a little as he realizes what he needs to do.</p><p>
  <em>You: um idk how to put this but there’s something i need to tell you about</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeonginnie (</em>
  <em>｡</em>
  <em>♥‿♥</em>
  <em>｡</em>
  <em>): oh ok! i actually need to tell you something too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeonginnie (</em>
  <em>｡</em>
  <em>♥‿♥</em>
  <em>｡</em>
  <em>): i’ll ttyl for now though, goodnight hyung</em>
</p><p>Tomorrow. He’s going to tell Jeongin about Seungmin’s true colors from start to finish first thing when they meet up. Jeongin deserves nothing less than the truth.</p><p>There’s an acidic and draining amalgamation of guilt, bitterness, sorrow and rage that settles into Hyunjin’s sternum. It churns disconcerting thoughts and eventually nightmares for him when he finally falls into a restless sleep, Changbin’s words ringing in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, Hyunjin wonders where he would be without Changbin. He supposes he should be wondering where he would be without Jisung too seeing as it’s the younger who introduced him to Changbin in the first place.</p><p>Jisung, despite being a mess in high school, immediately formed a small tight-knit friend group with some other students in the music classes he took alongside his engineering courses. Hyunjin, however, doesn’t actually meet Jisung’s university friends until midway through his first semester at university – all of their schedules packed with classes, extracurricular activities and professional development events – when finally, they’re able to coordinate a day to introduce one another.</p><p>Chan is one of those individuals who’ve accomplished so much at such a young age that words hardly do justice to describe him. In short, he’s <em>incredible</em> and his presence fills any room. Despite how much of Chan’s warmth seeped into his words and actions, always protectively caring and brimming with love for the people in his life, Hyunjin was still awestruck.</p><p>He doesn’t realize at first that the Chan Jisung was friends with was the same Chan that was Minho’s boyfriend. It took until Christmas break, with Hyunjin, Felix and Chan stuck on-campus with their families too far away to visit, before he connected the dots.</p><p>It’s clear to any outsider that Chan and Minho are good for one another and all Hyunjin could think was, <em>Ah, this is the type of person Minho deserves.</em> He felt a little down after the revelation, the feeling washing over him in slight chills whenever he saw Chan, but Hyunjin was always apprehensive to analyze why.</p><p>Changbin, meanwhile, loses his intimidating aura about five minutes into Jisung introducing Hyunjin to him and Chan. Changbin doesn’t take shit from anyone and has a gaze that can kill. But in spite of all that, Hyunjin saw how the glare that is Changbin’s resting face was just a front that hides a tender heart. When Jisung accidentally knocked over his glass of water a few minutes into their conversation, spilling some on Chan as the cup made its way down to shatter into fragments on the floor, Changbin immediately moved to check Jisung for cuts before handing Chan his own napkin to wipe his clothes.</p><p>While Changbin easily rivaled Jisung in successfully talking Hyunjin’s ears off, Hyunjin came to learn that Changbin himself is a great listener, gives genuine advice and is someone who follows through with his words and promises, never one to lie.</p><p>He also came to learn that Changbin is a hopeless romantic (though it isn’t until the following semester after Hyunjin introduced Felix to Chan, Changbin and Jisung and Changbin develops the biggest crush on Felix before Hyunjin realized.)</p><p>Hyunjin and Changbin spent a lot of nights staying up together when they should have been studying or sleeping. They open up to one another pretty quickly and Hyunjin feels comfortable and comforted in Changbin’s presence.</p><p>Secure.</p><p>Maybe it’s because there are fewer inhibitors on their minds when they’re exhausted or maybe it’s because he and Changbin skip over the awkwardness that almost always lingers at the start of friendships but Hyunjin thinks it’s because he’s one of the few who gave Changbin a chance despite his tough exterior. Certainly, Hyunjin knows very well what it’s like to be judged solely on his outward appearance without any regard for his personality, heart or soul.</p><p>Changbin would never accept it but Hyunjin knows he wouldn’t be where he is today, walking to meet Jeongin on another Friday night, without the older in his life.</p><p>Hyunjin probably wouldn’t even have survived through university – when things became incredibly difficult and he hadn’t known the limits of his own body and mind yet – if Changbin hadn’t been there to catch him those times he had fallen without anyone else knowing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It takes Hyunjin nearly his entire freshman year to realize how achingly far he’s fallen for Minho.</p><p>Hyunjin knows he’s expressive with his emotions. Regardless, he doesn’t discover how painfully obvious he is to Minho, who is unnervingly insightful, until the older boy asks to speak with him after a particularly grueling three-hour long practice session.</p><p>It’s several weeks before the end of the school year and a week after the dance team members who would be competing had been announced. Mina had selected Hyunjin and Felix to perform in a unit with Minho in the district-wide dance competition that would take place the weekend after finals.</p><p>(When Hyunjin had asked her after that meeting why he’d been chosen, Mina had smiled at Hyunjin and noted how much he’d improved and grown since the beginning of the year. “Confidence is a good look on you.”)</p><p>Hyunjin doesn’t think much of it when Minho asks him to stay a little longer, pulling him aside, while the other members of the dance team who would also be competing wrap up their rehearsing. He thinks Minho wants to go over the transition on the third bar of the chorus – it might be smoother if Hyunjin and Felix swap places instead – but he’s wrong.</p><p>He’s so wrong. After all, Minho hadn’t called Felix over with them.</p><p>“What is it, hyung?” Hyunjin leans against the wall outside the dance studio, out of sight from his teammates inside.</p><p>Minho’s eyes are just as alluring as always but there’s a hint of regret when he looks up at Hyunjin. His smile is tinged with something darker and it looks almost disparate on his beautiful features. The older has always been hard to read and something in Hyunjin’s stomach is pulled taut at the noticeable expressiveness. He suddenly isn’t so certain he wants to hear what Minho has to say.</p><p>Minho studies his expression for a moment before he speaks, “You like me.”</p><p>A statement.</p><p>The older boy’s bluntness is one of the reasons Hyunjin found himself drawn to him after getting to know him in the first place but in that moment, Hyunjin only finds himself speechless and aching in a different way.</p><p>It’s not as simple as <em>like</em> but Hyunjin anticipates the fact that Minho saying it’s <em>like</em> means he knows it’s more than just an idolizing crush. The rejection is painful enough without voicing those unspoken words that would no doubt break both of them in different regards.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Hyunjin whispers. He stares at the floor. It’s easier to look at the grey-flecked tiling than at Minho’s eyes that hold all the reasons Hyunjin fell for him. “It won’t affect my performance or the competition and,” his voice sounds painfully raw and way too tight, “I’ll be professional—”</p><p>“That’s not—” Minho’s voice is lowered too and a little shaky. “The competition means a lot to me, yes, but your well-being matters more as a friend.”</p><p>Hyunjin sees the older boy shift his stance but doesn’t have the courage to look up. He knew from the start he didn’t have a chance with Minho but the reality is still a punch in the gut. The words sting, piercing him to the bone, and his heart bleeds all the more yet his eyes remain dry.</p><p>“I’ll be alright,” Hyunjin says. His voice is steady. The words come out more detached and far colder than he expects. He sees Minho flinch out of the corner of his eye so he smiles, a bittersweet curve of his lips. “Don’t worry about me.”</p><p>From his periphery, Hyunjin sees Minho’s expression turn worrisome but he doesn’t let himself linger. He heads back into the dance studio, waves a disembodied farewell to Felix who gives him a strange look, and leaves.</p><p>The week that follows is eerily hazy.</p><p>Hyunjin thinks he holds exactly one real conversation with one person and it’s only a classmate he was seated next to in his introduction to law class. Otherwise, he’s unable to think around the static in his mind. He doesn’t recall anything he’s eaten; he’s honestly unsure if he actually eats. He feels nothing beyond being tired and the apathy would be scary if he could muster up the energy to care.</p><p>In spite of what Minho had told him, Hyunjin throws himself into rehearsing their unit choreography. He wants to prove to himself, to Minho, that he can keep his feelings separate – to show the whole world that he’s doing perfectly fine.</p><p>Changbin is the one who finds him unconscious, curled on his side under the harsh lights of the dance studio with blood from a nose bleed that wouldn’t clot staining the floor around his body, and rushes him to the hospital.</p><p>Asked later why the older boy was there, Changbin said when Hyunjin hadn’t shown up to a VR session Hyunjin himself had booked a month prior with Jisung and Felix for their friend group, something just didn’t sit right. Adding on to Hyunjin’s weirdly clipped text messages and Minho voicing his concern for Hyunjin’s health, Changbin had decided to check up on him. A good thing too, according to the doctor. Hyunjin may have actually worked himself to death if Changbin had arrived at the dance studio even an hour later.</p><p>After Hyunjin wakes in the hospital, Changbin tells him Jisung and Felix are on their way to visit him. The older boy spoon feeds Hyunjin bland hospital food, probably his first actual meal this entire week, so he doesn’t disturb the IV in his right arm.</p><p>(Hyunjin only finds out once he’s been discharged that Changbin had specifically requested Minho and Chan to keep their distance for the time being, knowing Hyunjin better than Hyunjin knew himself.)</p><p>“Hyunjin, what the hell happened?” Changbin grips his hand tightly in his own. The distress in Changbin’s eyes, so full to bursting with dozens of emotions, is what finally takes Hyunjin’s own emotional floodgates down.</p><p>Changbin learns about the why behind his week of self-destructive behavior, secondhand pain flickering across his features even as he listens to Hyunjin’s tremulous explanation without interruption. The hospital bed is built for a single occupant but they both disregard the spatial logistics as Hyunjin leans into Changbin’s embrace, letting the older boy cradle his head against his chest, with a promise that he’ll guard his dreams.</p><p>(In a different life, Hyunjin thinks he would have fallen for Changbin instead. But it isn’t this one.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♫♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s advice and the texts about Seungmin and Jisung sit heavily in the back of Hyunjin’s mind the entire time he and Jeongin are eating. The braised beef is probably delicious but everything tastes like sandpaper in Hyunjin’s mouth.</p><p>Jeongin seems spaced out as well. Hyunjin catches the younger staring at him a few times before his eyes go slightly out of focus again. It’s the quietest dinner they’ve ever had and there’s indecipherable electricity sizzling in the air between them that leaves both of them silent and reluctant to break through the charged atmosphere.</p><p>They’re leaving the restaurant and heading towards the bus stop when Jeongin slips his hand into Hyunjin’s for a fraction of a second. It’s enough to grab Hyunjin’s attention. When he looks over at the younger however, Jeongin’s gaze is averted.</p><p>“Do you want to come over?”</p><p>Hyunjin’s heart clenches and he internally coos at Jeongin’s bashful tone before mentally slapping himself back into focus. “Sure. Seems like we have a lot to talk about.”</p><p>Jeongin nods but stays quiet otherwise. His gaze remains clouded and his expression remains guarded the entire way back to his apartment, leaving Hyunjin to wonder. When they arrive at Jeongin’s apartment, the younger disappears into the kitchen to grab drinks. Hyunjin perches on the couch’s armrest in the living room and fiddles with the rings on his fingers, biting the inside of his cheek when he hears Jeongin shuffle into the living room.</p><p>“What did you want to talk to me about, hyung?” Jeongin sets one mug down on the coffee table and cradles the other to his chest as he stands in the space between the table and the couch.</p><p>Hyunjin notes that Jeongin’s knuckles are white against his mug.</p><p>There’s a beat of silence where Hyunjin tries to organize his thoughts and form the text message exchanges from the day before into coherent words. He doesn’t mean to be so straightforward but, “I think Seungmin is seeing someone else.”</p><p>Jeongin furrows his eyebrows, confusion settling into his features. “What?”</p><p>Hyunjin takes a deep breath that does nothing to loosen the tightness in his throat. “I’m pretty sure Seungmin is cheating on you.” He sees Jeongin blink and rushes to explain. “Jisung texted me yesterday about meeting someone and having a good feeling about the guy because he appeared to be interested in Jisung too and the guy said he’s single and when Jisung told me his name is Seungmin and I asked if the guy is named Kim Seungmin, he said <em>yes</em>.”</p><p>Jeongin’s eyes are wide as he stares at Hyunjin for a moment before he shakes his head, looking away. “Seungmin and I broke up,” he says quietly.</p><p>It takes Hyunjin a solid minute to process the words.</p><p>“WHAT?!”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jeongin laughs but there’s no mirth behind it. “We broke up about a month ago.”</p><p>Hyunjin’s a little taken aback and hurt that Jeongin didn’t think to tell him something so major, didn’t even hint at it for a <em>month</em>. “Oh, I didn’t know. You never mentioned anything along those lines in the past few weeks.” Hyunjin isn’t sure how successful he is with keeping the bitterness out of his words. “I guess I made a big deal out of nothing then.”</p><p>There’s a long pause and the air is thick between them in a way it’s never been before.</p><p>Hyunjin pushes himself off the armrest after an indeterminate amount of time, unable to meet Jeongin’s searching gaze that follows his every move. He makes a mental note to text Jisung back about the entire misunderstanding.</p><p>“I should um, head back.” His words are stiff and he glimpses Jeongin shift at the stilted tone.</p><p>His heart aches as he starts towards the door. There’s something urging Hyunjin to stay but he tramples it down. He’s never felt so distant from Jeongin and he’s not even sure why he’s so hurt, wanting to curl up in the fetal position and cry until the pain building in his heart for the past few months, the anguish Hyunjin had buried as he watched Jeongin clutch his heart but find companionship in another, splinters into poisoned fragments.</p><p>“Hyunjin, wait. Please.”</p><p>His hand is resting on the door handle. It would be so easy to just walk away and process everything without the source of his emotional hurricane standing a few feet away but Hyunjin lets his hand drop to his side. He doesn’t turn though. He doesn’t trust himself to not crumble.</p><p>“Remember how I told you I wanted to tell you something too?” Hyunjin nods to let the younger know he’s listening. Behind him, Jeongin inhales shakily. “I wanted to tell you why Seungmin and I ended our relationship,” he whispers. “It just took me a while to sort everything out but—” There’s some rustling and when Jeongin speaks next, his voice is closer but still hushed. “It’s because my heart was never with him.”</p><p>Hyunjin freezes. Those were his exact words, spoken to Jeongin ages ago but then that would mean Jeongin…</p><p>Hyunjin turns slowly and takes in Jeongin’s misty eyes and wobbly smile as they stand within arm’s length of one another.</p><p>“It’s here. My heart is with you.” Jeongin shifts and presses his hands together in front of him. “You’re someone I can’t imagine a life without and I want you by my side for as long as we can be together. I love <em>you</em>, Hyunjin.” Jeongin’s words are quiet but the sincerity in his tone sears through Hyunjin’s body.</p><p>Jeongin looks uncertain despite his bold words and Hyunjin steps forward, body moving automatically to comfort and reassure the most important person in his life. He feels the pinpricks of tears start to burn his eyes.</p><p>Hyunjin takes Jeongin’s hands into his own and for the first time in his life, pours his heart out in its entirety to the person he loves, bare and unvarnished. “You mean more to me than I can ever put into words.” Hyunjin shakes his head, lips quivering as he squeezes Jeongin’s hands tighter. “Without you, I’d be so…lost. Without you, my life isn’t as bright and the world isn’t so beautiful.”</p><p>He sees the first tear trace down Jeongin’s cheek and closes the distance between them, their heartbeats melding into one as his arms encircle Jeongin. “I love you more than anything,” Hyunjin whispers.</p><p>They stand there in each other’s arms for a long time, just breathing in one another’s presence and holding on tightly to each other’s hearts. Hyunjin’s face is wet with tears. It’s slightly uncomfortable as the salty drops slide down his neck and soak into his collar but he can’t bring himself to wipe the tears away.</p><p>Not when he’s finally cradling Jeongin in his arms after all these years of lost time.</p><p>Jeongin sniffs, lowering the hand covering his eyes to Hyunjin’s shoulder before he lays his cheek in the crook of Hyunjin’s neck. He shivers as the younger snakes his other arm around Hyunjin’s waist and warm breaths puff out in a whisper across his throat, “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words.”</p><p>Hyunjin laughs wetly and holds Jeongin a little bit closer.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>♪</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“This is so you to bring us here for our first official date, hyung,” Jeongin says, wrinkling his nose as he takes in Namsan Tower and the other couples and families around them. But it’s Jeongin who picks out the couple lock for them.</p><p>Hyunjin writes their names on the pink heart lock and adds in <em>“We shall never break.” </em>in English underneath. They find a spot among the thousands of other colorful locks hooked to the railings and carefully latch their lock there. He catches Jeongin’s soft smile from the corner of his eyes, indulgent and breathtaking, as Hyunjin takes out his phone to secure the memory forever.</p><p>As much as the younger likes to pretend he hates affection, Hyunjin knows better. He’s still somewhat in awe at the fact he can shower Jeongin with adoration and care and know intrinsically that his love is returned in full.</p><p>In the years they’d known each other, Hyunjin can’t quite pinpoint the moment he’d fallen for the younger. Just that it had taken them both a heart-breaking length of time to realize it was love and work up the courage to do something about it. Their connection is different now, changed, but Jeongin is still comfort and security and happiness, a place for a part of Hyunjin’s soul and all of his heart. As Jeongin walks flush by his side, occasionally bumping shoulders, Hyunjin no longer fears change.</p><p>“I have an important question,” Jeongin declares.</p><p>Hyunjin raises an eyebrow, taking in Jeongin’s flushed cheeks and starry eyes, feeling his heart jump once again but without the once painful longing. “Don’t make me pick a favorite fruit dessert.” He watches Jeongin roll his eyes. “What? You know I can never decide.”</p><p>Jeongin shoves his shoulder but there’s a smile curving his lips and settling into the lines of his face. He holds out a hand towards Hyunjin before flashing an impish grin, dimples peeking out. “Waffles or pancakes, hyung?”</p><p>Hyunjin can’t help the giggles that fall from his lips. It feels like a lifetime ago when he explained that same concept to the younger for another heart and soul. Now Jeongin is his and he, Jeongin’s.</p><p>He reaches over and laces their fingers together, holding on tightly to Jeongin’s hand like it’s a lifeline. And in many ways, Jeongin <em>is </em>his lifeline. Home.</p><p>Hyunjin tugs Jeongin a little closer to brush a kiss on his cheekbones, smiling all the while.</p><p>“Waffles, of course.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>coda.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So after literal years of pining later 🥺 lmao, WAFFLES ahaha (they look so damn young omg):<br/></p><p>Apparently according to a quick Google search…commonly, pancakes are for friends and waffles are for lovers. But honestly, hold hands however the hell you want LOL</p><p>Can't believe all of SKZ will be 20 soon. Happy early Birthday to our adorable and endlessly gifted and hardworking maknae, Jeongin (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ here's another throwback pic lol<br/></p><p>~~~TRIVIA: Can anyone guess what song Hyunjin was dancing to in his audition? (Hint: I'm not original lol)</p><p>Side Note: Namsan Tower is a famous landmark in Seoul where locks are hung from the railings to symbolize love and devotion (familial, platonic or romantic). None of the locks have a paired key so none of them can ever be unlocked, representing that lasting and enduring love from when it was first hung.</p><p> </p><p>My twitter is <a href="https://twitter.com/Sea_Sophia3">here</a> -- feel free to talk to me if you wanna XD Hope you're all doing well and staying safe wherever you are 💖 Stay beautiful!<br/>-phia ^.^</p>
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